Why Journaling is So Hard for Perfectionists and 5 Ideas to Make It Easier
I'm Carrie Smolen, a Los Angeles-based therapist specializing in perfectionism and anxiety and I'll be upfront with you: I'm a recovering non-journaler too. In my California therapy practice, I work with self-critical perfectionists whose brains won't stop spinning, and journaling comes up constantly as something they know they "should" do but can never quite make stick. If that's you, you're not lazy or broken, you're probably just approaching it in a way that doesn't account for how a perfectionist brain actually works. Here's what's actually going on, and five ideas that might finally make it feel doable.
Let’s get this out of the way: I’m a hypocrite. I’m a therapist who has really struggled to have a consistent journaling practice. And I’m here trying to espouse the value of writing down your thoughts? Of all people? Well, yeah. Because I know both how hard it can feel and how helpful it can be.
For a perfectionist, journaling might feel a lot like meditation… something you feel like you should do, and yet the idea is so intimidating because… what if you’re no good at it? What if you can’t get your mind to slow and focus enough to get what you need out of it? What if it’s a waste of time? Many of us have started trying to journal countless times, but have given up once we struggled to stay consistent or once the “I’m doing a thing I’m supposed to do!” buzz wore off.
Why even continue to try?
Well, because for an anxious brain (a trademark of many perfectionists), getting whatever thoughts are spiraling around your head out and onto paper (analog or digital) can actually help stop your ruminating. Just the act of getting the idea down somewhere, where you know you’ll be able to return to it if you ever want to, allows your brain to stop fixating on that thought. Part of the purpose of ruminating is that your anxiety worries that if it doesn’t continue to return to that thought over and over again, you might forget it. Writing it down settles the brain by allowing it to stop circulating around the thought, because of the knowledge that if you need to remember whatever it is, you’ll know where to find it. That’s why many refer to their journaling practice as “brain dumping.” You’re getting that shit out and creating a little distance between the forefront of your mind and whatever is causing your head to spin.
On the flip side of the brain dump, there’s gratitude journaling, which (self-explanatorily, but alas) is specifically writing about things for which you are thankful. The idea here, at least for those of us prone to anxiety, is to interrupt patterns of catastrophizing, dwelling, and all around focusing on the negative by intentionally turning our attention to what is bringing us contentment or joy. It doesn’t matter how small those things may be, even just naming that you really liked whatever you had for breakfast or that you saw a cute dog can help ground you and counterbalance some of the stuff that’s getting you down. It doesn’t make the hard stuff go away, it just can make it all feel a little less heavy.
I know, easier said than done, right? As someone who has really had a hard time with this, I’ve compiled a few tips to try that might just make it feel the tiniest bit easier:
1) Make your definition of journaling fit you, not the other way around
A lot of folks assume that in order to journal, it needs to be a daily (or at least regular) practice in which they write down the events of their day or their thoughts, perhaps even for a certain amount of time. I would argue that there are no rules for journaling. It’s just the act of writing down experiences, ideas, and reflections (okay, Merriam Webster does add the words “daily” and “regularly” in there, but I dgaf). If your definition of journaling is too rigid, of course you’re going to get discouraged when you’re not able to execute it perfectly. And since as perfectionists, our brains are prone to all-or-nothing thinking, we throw in the towel if we’re not able to maintain a “good enough” streak.
There’s also so much out there about very beautiful aesthetically-focused versions of journaling. If that’s enticing to you, give it a go! Maybe try just images instead of words if that feels good to you. But if that’s part of the intimidation factor, do not feel like your journaling has to be cute and social-media-worthy (whatever that means). Do not let it become another way to judge yourself for what you perceive as not measuring up to some sort of ideal. This really is the most important tip, because this is the one that disrupts the idea that there is a “right” way to journal. There isn’t, there never has been, and there never will be.
2) Try voice notes
Many of the perfectionists I’ve talked to report feeling like they can’t journal because their hands can’t move as fast as their brains do. They get fed up with trying to put pen to paper (or lil fingies to keyboard) because it’s just too hard to keep up and the act of getting the words out of their head feels inherently slow and tedious. Yeah, fair! My solution for that? Try leaving yourself voice notes. Go somewhere that you can have a moment of privacy, and just… talk. Remember, the point isn’t to listen to your voice note back (though you certainly can if you want to), it’s to allow your brain to let go of spiraling thoughts by giving them some place to live that isn’t the forefront of your mind.
Sidebar: I wrote this post in the midst of listening to the audiobook version of Lindy West’s Adult Braces, which felt serendipitous because the book is peppered with Lindy’s voice memos to herself. She records them while on an epic road trip, which lends itself to the stream of consciousness that many of our brains experience while in motion. I could see recording a note for yourself being a lovely little post-work commute ritual (if that feels like a choice you can make that does not put you or others in danger). Could also be a really nice thing to do on a walk. The point is to be somewhere that you feel confident in being able to speak freely. Much like virtual therapy, it doesn’t work the same if you’re concerned about whether or not someone could be listening.
3) Consider prompts
Some perfectionists are overwhelmed by a blank page. They second guess every thought before they get a chance to write it down, leading them to freeze before they’re able to actually get anything on paper. If this is you, try journal prompts. There are loads of books and plenty of free online resources full of ideas. There are also apps that will send you inspiration every day if you want. You can even get a journal pre-loaded with prompts in the vein of a word of the day calendar (though if you’ve fallen into the trap of buying a new journal with the hopes that if you like the physical object enough, that will surely be the motivation you need to actually make it stick this time… I’d understand the hesitancy here).
Conversely, there are some prompts that keep it super simple and take the pressure off of having to be creative or generative at all. I’ve been using a gratitude journal app that just asks me to jot down three good things that happened that day and how they each made me feel (the latter of which I sometimes skip if I’m not feeling it). Would I like to supplement that practice with some longer form writing? I would. But does it also feel pretty cool that I, a person who has really struggled with journaling consistently, am about to hit 500 consecutive days of naming three positive things from each one? Yeah, it feels awesome. Humble brag for sure, but also… I dunno, maybe a vote of confidence for those of you that might resonate. But if gamifying it or doing anything that tracks a streak adds more stress to the equation? That’s good information, and for sure a sign to try something else.
4) Write out what you would say, if you were going to say it
One of the things that those of us with anxious brains tend to fixate on is what we might say to someone that for whatever reason we have decided we don’t want to contact. Or if we do want to communicate with them, maybe we have a lot on our minds that we don’t actually want to say, but need to get out of the way so that we have room to think about what we do actually want to tell them. I’ve contemplated full on monologues I’d deliver to someone if I didn’t know any better. I’ve thought about what I would have liked to say in a situation, but for whatever reason didn’t. I’ve spent hours drafting texts I don’t actually intend to send in my brain over and over again.
If you ever find something similar happening to you, write it down. Write a letter to that person you know you’re better off not actually contacting. Jot down what you wished you would have said in whatever moment, had you thought of it at the time. Instead of repeatedly going over that hypothetical text again and again in your head, write it down so that if you were to decide that you did in fact want to send it, you know where to find it. I swear it helps break the cycle.
5) Create a ritual, not an obligation
The last thing a perfectionist needs is another item on their to do list nagging at them. If journaling feels like a box you need to check or something you need to white knuckle your way though… that’s so deeply not the intention. Instead, consider how you might be able to make journaling feel like part of a ritual that you actually enjoy. Think about how you want to feel or what you want to get out of it. Do you want it to be soft and soothing? Consider curling up with a blanket and a warm beverage, maybe even first thing in the morning or after you get in bed. Do you want it to be a cathartic release? Maybe you go sit in your car (or another quiet, private place) and yell into a voice note and then play a song you love. Or maybe journaling is a tool you want to have in your back pocket for when you feel the need to let something go, so you stick a post-it somewhere you’re likely to spot it that just says, “write it down” with a little heart or a smiley face. This does not have to be serious and it does not have to look a certain way. Remember, it’s FOR YOU.
And if you ultimately decide that this whole journaling thing really isn’t for you: that’s okay. Life is too short to force yourself to do something that feels awful just because you feel like you’re supposed to, or that if you just try harder it will start to click for you. Give yourself a break (for once) and go do something that does feel good, alright?
If your brain won't stop spinning no matter what tools you try, it might be time to talk to someone. I work with perfectionists and overthinkers across California — online, from wherever you are. Book a free consultation and let's figure out what's actually getting in the way.
VIRTUAL THERAPIST • LOS ANGELES
Hi, I’m Carrie (she/her).
A therapist for thoughtful, overwhelmed humans trying to be good people in a complicated world.
As a therapist for folks all over California, most of my work centers on helping clients with issues related to perfectionism and body struggles.
I love to come along for the ride as people get clearer on who they are, what they need, and how to move through life with more ease, self-trust, and permission to be unapologetically imperfect.