How One Simple Choice Can Help You Stop Spiraling
I'm Carrie Smolen, a Los Angeles-based therapist specializing in anxiety and perfectionism. In my California therapy practice, I work with anxious ruminators who get stuck in the exhausting cycle of not knowing whether to act on a worry or let it go — and end up doing neither. If your brain tends to spiral when you're sitting with uncertainty, this one's for you. There's a simple two-option framework that can help you get unstuck.
Every anxious person I know has been there: that sticky spiral of uneasiness where it feels like no matter what you do, you can’t stop thinking about a nagging worry. You’re stewing in the uncertainty, desperately trying to figure out something that will help you feel in control. In those moments, it can feel so hard to distinguish your anxiety from your intuition. Are you just unable to stop stressing or is your gut trying to tell you something?
In these situations, an easy place to get stuck is on whether you should be doing something in response to your anxious feeling. And when you’re on the fence, it’s way harder to relax. In both my work as a therapist, and in my own lived experience, I know how tempting it is to buy into the idea that you can will yourself to “snap out of” anxious thought patterns. You berate yourself for not being able to “let it go” or for “ruining” the day/night/occasion because you think that if you can just stop worrying, you’ll no longer be responsible for “killing the mood.” Maybe for some people that’s possible, but I believe that more often than not, that sort of thinking just piles onto the challenging feelings you’re already experiencing and keeps you further sucked into the spiral.
So how do you break out of the cycle? What can you do? It comes down to this one simple choice.
You can choose to either:
act now
make a plan
That’s it. Those are the only two options.
Option 1: Act Now
Pretty simple, you determine that whatever is on your mind does merit immediate action. After taking a deep breath and trying to regulate as much as you can, you go for it. You make that doctor’s appointment or head to the ER to get whatever is worrying you checked out. You send that text/email or make that call in the hopes of getting the clarity you need. You tell your loved one what’s on your mind, even though you’ve been trying not to let it bother you. Hopefully acting helps give you some peace of mind that you are doing what you can in the situation, and from there you can exhale a bit.
Option 2: Make a Plan
If you’ve decided that Option 1 doesn’t appeal or make sense for whatever reason, the natural alternative seems like it should be its opposite: do nothing and try to move on. I personally don’t believe that “do nothing” is a very effective strategy for alleviating anxiety, especially for those of us prone to rumination. Often what happens instead, is you just continue to wonder whether you should be acting, even though you’ve theoretically chosen not to. It’s a recipe for second guessing.
What I find significantly more effective is to use this formula:
If x does/doesn’t happen by y, I will z.
A few examples:
If my symptoms are still present by this time next week, I will make a doctor’s appointment.
If I don’t hear from the person I recently started dating by Thursday, I will text them (even though I want them to be the one to reach out to me).
If my kid comes home from school upset again tomorrow, I will get in touch with their teacher.
If I don’t hear back about that interview by the end of the month, I will start applying for other jobs.
If my friend says something that hurts my feelings again, next time I will tell them how their words impacted me.
By creating a plan, you are making room for a period of mental and emotional rest.
Once you’ve decided the conditions under which you will act if the situation calls for it, it’s significantly easier to quiet the noise in your brain and to move on to tending to yourself in whatever way you need. Giving your mind a concrete timeframe can allow it to relax because it then knows when it can jump into problem-solving mode if the time comes.
Is this a fix for anything you might be worrying about? Unfortunately… of course not. There are plenty of concerns that probably don’t fit this equation such as… you know, the state of the world right now? For those, you might need other strategies like brain dumping, taking a news/social media break, talking to a confidant, spending some time in nature, whatever you’ve determined might feel helpful when your anxiety feels especially present. Sometimes though, in order to even be able to access any of those tools, you need to get past the question of whether or not you’re going to do something about that worry right now.
If you find yourself stuck in the spiral more often than not, it might be worth talking through what's underneath it. I work with anxious overthinkers and ruminators across California — online, from wherever you are. Book a free consultation and let's figure out what's keeping you in your head.
VIRTUAL THERAPIST • LOS ANGELES
Hi, I’m Carrie (she/her).
A therapist for thoughtful, overwhelmed humans trying to be good people in a complicated world.
As a therapist for folks all over California, most of my work centers on helping clients with issues related to perfectionism and body struggles.
I love to come along for the ride as people get clearer on who they are, what they need, and how to move through life with more ease, self-trust, and permission to be unapologetically imperfect.