Therapy for Perfectionists

The People Pleaser Perfectionist

People pleaser perfectionists believe that in order to receive love and affection, you need to do things just right. You might experience some social anxiety and make negative assumptions about how people perceive you. You probably spend a lot of time worrying about whether people are upset with you, and have fears about people writing you off or even cutting you out of their lives. You likely struggle with your self-worth and think that if you can just behave in all the right ways, others will be more likely to want to be around you.

On one hand, these attributes probably make you a very conscientious person. It's not a bad thing to consider how you impact those around you.

On the other hand, your desire to act and be just right in the eyes of others could be impeding your ability to really understand yourself and what you actually care about. Plus, it's just plain exhausting to be so concerned about what everyone else is thinking about you all the time.

✔ STRENGTHS: Thoughtful, attuned, kind, socially aware.

✔ STRUGGLES: Sometimes you lose sight of what you want, because being liked feels safer than being known.

The Perpetually Self-Sufficient Perfectionist

Perpetually self-sufficient perfectionists believe that you can, and perhaps even have to, do it all. You might own your own business or otherwise work for yourself in some other capacity. If you parent, you're likely the default parent, taking it upon yourself to handle most (if not all) of the logistical considerations of managing another life.

The idea of needing (not to mention asking for) help makes you very uncomfortable, and delegating is not a strong suit to say the least. You've probably received quite a bit of praise for your independence, your ambition, or your otherwise generally responsible nature. Not dissimilar from people pleaser perfectionists, perpetually self-sufficient perfectionists believe that you need to prove your worth in order to receive love and care.

The problem is that this can lead to overworking yourself to the point of burnout. You might be overwhelmed by the sensation that if you don't keep the balls in the air or the plates spinning, everything will come crashing down. That's a lot of pressure to put on one person, don't you think?

✔ STRENGTHS: Wildly competent, dependable, capable as hell.

✔ STRUGGLES: The creeping fear that if you don’t keep every plate spinning, every ball in the air, everything will crash. And it will be your fault.

The Performance Review Perfectionist

Performance review perfectionists know your worth and know what you deserve. You tend to have very clear ideas of right and wrong and find comfort in rules and structure. You measure yourselves and others against a set of criteria, carefully refined over time, because you want to see results from the hard work you put into everything you do and believe that others should be doing the same.

Performance review perfectionists tend to have high expectations of everyone, often especially yourselves. Issues arise though when either you yourself or those around you struggle to live up to those expectations. Performance review perfectionists often struggle interpersonally, especially romantically, because either nobody ever checks enough boxes to make a suitable partner, or because the partner you have chosen does not fit into your vision of an ideal match.

You might generally feel dissatisfied because no object or experience or connection ever quite measures up to the version you have in your head. The idea of lowering your standards sure sounds like settling though. But if you don't work to figure out which boxes might not actually need checking, you might end up feeling as lonely and disappointed as you currently are forever.

✔ STRENGTHS: Confident, strong sense of values, ambitious. 

✔ STRUGGLES: Nothing and no one is ever good enough, so you may never be satisfied.

The Popsicle Perfectionist

Popsicle perfectionist is my cutesyass name for all of you that struggle with procrastination and maybe also decision-making. Why? Because y'all experience perfectionism as a freeze response.

You might get anxious and overwhelmed to the point that you can't get your brain to slow down enough to figure out how to get started on things. You might get so worried about making the right choice that you feel like you can never make decisions confidently. You know how much potential you have, but you feel like you keep getting in your own way. You also might be terrified of failing or messing up to the point that it can be hard for you to put effort into things you think won't come naturally to you.

For popsicle perfectionists, the idea of trying something and it not working out is scarier than just not trying at all. Inevitably though, this leads to sensations of stuckness in at least one if not multiple areas of your life. Do you want to figure out how to break out of the inertia and get that ball rolling?

✔ STRENGTHS: Contemplative, sensitive, considerate.

✔ STRUGGLES: You may see yourself as lazy, incapable, or lacking resilience because you don’t understand why things feel so much harder for you than they seem for others.

The Physique-Focused Perfectionist

Unsurprisingly, physique-focused perfectionists are very concerned about the size, shape, and overall appearance of your physical bodies. This fixation is generally informed by conventional and mainstream (white cishet patriarchal) beauty and wellness standards, even if your true values do not align with those ideals.

You might genuinely believe that these criteria are harmful, but that for some reason you yourself still must adhere to them to the best of your ability in order to achieve the sense of belonging that you crave. While this can certainly manifest as a disordered relationship to food and/or exercise, not all physique-focused perfectionists are preoccupied by weight. You might instead (or additionally), put a lot of energy into optimizing your health, preventing aging, conforming to expected ideas of gender presentation, or controlling any other element of your image.

While putting energy into how you appear isn't necessarily a problem, the line between thoughtful consideration and distressing obsession can be exceptionally thin. If this one resonates for you, I highly recommend you also check out my Body Struggles page for more on working with me around these sorts of concerns.

✔ STRENGTHS: Disciplined, resilient, self-motivated.

✔ STRUGGLES: Less and less brain space for anything that isn’t related to impacting your appearance… and that slope is slippery.

The Planet Saver Perfectionist

Planet saver perfectionists are deeply troubled by the state of the world. I mean, same. So you've committed to doing everything you can to try and make the world a better place. Maybe you're in a helping profession. Maybe you're an activist or organizer. Maybe you're vocal about your stance on important issues in all the ways that feel right for you.

For planet saver perfectionists, the pressure to do better and to do more feels unsurmountable. You're committed to reducing your waste and feel unbearably guilty if you forget your reusable coffee mug.

You feel like you're not saying enough to your uninformed family members, not doing enough to make conditions better in your office or city, not sacrificing enough to be the example against capitalism and consumerism that you want to be.

It's getting hard to live with yourself because there is so much more that if you really committed, you could be doing to make a bigger difference. How could you possibly relax and enjoy life when there is so much suffering to solve?

✔ STRENGTHS: Benevolent, compassionate, hopeful.

✔ STRUGGLES: You’re punishing yourself for systemic failings, but your suffering isn’t going to change the world for the better.